Spike
by Ninja Master
Summary: Spike goes on a quest to get his swamp back from Lord Warren. Clem a talking donkey joins him on his quest to rescue a princess from a dragon.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time there was a young man named William. He writes poems which no body likes. He was down on his luck until he met a vampiress by the name of Drusilla. She turned William into one of the undead. Things was looking up for him. They hunted humans and feed on them. William got the name Spike. When he started killing people with railroad spikes. One day his sire Drusilla was slayed by a vampire slayer. While traveling through Europe to a far off land, villagers would come after him. With stakes, torches and crosses, when he vamps out the villagers would run away screaming in terror. Spike found a place in the swamp to call home. He build himself a house. It was no tomb or crypt but it was still home…. Years later in a kingdom far far away there was a little prince named Xander. He was under a curse, each night he turns into a vampiress. The hell fairy god mother, Glory, she told his parents, King Giles and Queen Jenny to send their son away to wait for true love's first kiss. Before Xander was sent away, he would dress up like a girl also let his hair grow out. Since he turns into a girl anyway. It was on Christmas Eve when his parents sends him to the Dragon's Keep. Poor Xander is still lock up in the tallest tower to this day…. At the swamp, Spike enjoyed being alone by himself. He hasn't thought of Drusilla in a very long time. He did however killed the vampire slayer that slayed his sire before he came to live in this swamp many years ago. He was in his house reading a fairly tale book at the dinner table which is near the fire place.

"Once upon a time there was lovely princess that had a terrible curse placed on her. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a dragon. Many brave knights tried to rescue the princess but none had slayed the dragon. She tills waits in the tallest tower for her true love's first kiss. Like that would bloody happen." Spike laughs to himself.

He closes the book. He leaves the house to beat up some training dummies he build. Some times a vampire slayer would come to his swamp. He would kill the vampire slayer then drain 'em of their blood. He stores the blood into glass bottles for later. Spike didn't really like drinking animal blood much. The rest of the day he did his daily routine. Later that night a mob of villagers draw up a plan for getting the vampire. Everyone grabs a stake, a torch and some pitchforks. The mob enters the swamp knocking down BEWARE VAMPIRE signs which Spike put up earlier this morning. Spike sits in his lounge chair. He sees torches coming this way through his window. He gets up from the lounge chair. Leaving the house, Spike follows behind the mob in the darkness without making a sound. The mob are in the bushes, seeing light coming through a window.

"It's in there lets it!" Said one of the villagers in the mob.

A man stops him. The man shakes his head.

"I hear it grinds bones for its bread."

The mob looks at him, wondering what they got themselves into.

"That's something a giant would do."

Said a voice behind them. The mob turns around to face Spike.

"Vampires are way worse. They bleed you dry. Cut your head off and impale it with a pike. Then cook the body parts over a fire. The parts taste good with BQQ sauce."

A villager waves a cross in front of him.

"Back way. Back way. Demon! I'm warning you."

Spike knocks the cross from the villager's hand. The mob is stunned for a few seconds.

"I'll be going now." He runs away dropping the torch.

Spike vamps out, growls at them. They all scream in horror.

"Bloody wankers should be running away right now!"

Everyone drops their stakes, pitchforks and torches behind as they run for their lives. He laughs. He sees a flyer that one of the villagers left and picks it up. He reads the flyer.

"WANTED FAIRY TALE CREATURES." He throws it away and goes back to his house.

Mourning in the forest, fairy tale creatures were being taken away in wagons. People line up to a table to turn in fairy tale creatures. A farmer in front of the line was turning in a witch named Willow. A guard takes away Willow's spell book.

"Hey my spell book. Give it back."

"No more spell casting for you, witch. Take her away." Said the captain as he pays the farmer.

"Burn the spell book with the other spell books, brooms and wands."

"Yes sir." Says one of the guards.

He takes Willow's spell book to be burned. Two guards took her to a wagon full with other fairy tale creatures. Guards throw brooms, spell books and wands into a bound fire. The farmer leaves after getting his money. Next in line was two villagers with elves, a wood craver named Ethan with his son, Caleb which is a living wooden boy, an old lady with a donkey named Clem, Larry a boy dressed in green has Buffy a fairy in a cage which was glowing and a peasant with three pigs under his arms.

The farmer grumbles.

"Damn only 20 pieces of silver." He walks away.

Clem looks around scared. He has a rope around his muzzle. He sees the wagon with Willow and some fairy tale creatures being carted off. Hears a cry, he turns seeing three bears in cages. The baby bear reaches for his mother crying.

"I want to go home!"

Clem looks back at the old lady.

"I'll never talk again. Please don't send me away."

"Shut up!" She hits him with her hand.

"Oww that hurt!"

Captain called out "next!" Ethan sets Caleb on the table.

"What do you have here?"

"I have here a living wooden puppet."

"I'm no wooden puppet. I'm a real boy!" Caleb's nose grows long.

"Here's Five shillings for the demonic toy. Take the thing away!

The guard take Caleb away with him to a wagon. He tells his father, Ethan "Not do this." Ethan leaves with his pay not looking back.

"Next!" Says The captain.

The old lady pulls Clem up with her.

"I got a donkey that talks."

The captain looks up from the ledger.

"Alright proof it can talk. Make it talk and that would be worth ten shillings."

Clem swallows, looks up at the old lady. She unties the rope from his muzzle.

"Come on say something lil' fella."

He looks at the captain and the old lady. The captain is waiting for it talk but nothing.

"Your wasting my time!"

The old lady gets very nervous.

"He's just shy is all. He talks all the time. Talk you damn donkey!" She hits him again.

"Enough of this. Take this crazy old bat away guards!"

She grabs his lips to make it look he is talking.

"I talk 24/7. I talk none stop."

The captain grows bored with this. He motions for the guards to take her away.

"Take her out of my sight."

The guards grab the old woman and drag her off screaming.

"I can make that damn donkey talk!" She screams.

She kicks the caged Buffy fairy out of Larry's hands. The cage goes flying in the air. It hits Clem's head as pixie dust flies out at him. He is shock that he is flying in the air.

"Hey I'm flying!"

Everyone looks up to see a donkey fly in the air.

"He's flying!" Says both Larry and the three pigs.

"That donkey can talk!" Said the captain.


	2. Chapter 2

Clem smiles while flying from the captain and guards.

"Fools look at me now! I'm a flying talking donkey. You seen dragon flies and house flies. But you never saw a donkey fly! HA HA!"

The pixie dust wore off and he falls in front of the captain.

"Oh no." Clem makes a run for it.

"After him! Don't let him get away."

The guards go after him. He runs through the woods. The captain and guards gave chase. Clem looks over his shoulders and they are coming closer. WHAM! Clem crashes into Spike.

"Oof!"

Spike was hanging up a KEEP OUT sign on a tree. He looks down and sees a donkey by his feet. They look at each other for a moment just as the guards with the captain come to a stop at the sight of Spike.

"You, vampire there."

"Oi?!"

"I have orders by Lord Warren authorized to arrest you both and transport you to a designated resettlement facility…"

Spike gives him an evil glare.

"Yeah and by the way your mates just left."

The captain turns seeing swords and shields behind drop by the guards. The captain screams then runs away. Spike sighs and walks off not noticing Clem. He smiles at his new hero in awe. He follows after him. Spike walks through the woods. He doesn't notice Clem still following him. When ever Spike looks around Clem darts behind a tree. He's building up his courage to speak to his hero. Spike spins around and sees the donkey.

"I like to thank you for saving me back there. That was really something."

Spike gets annoyed.

"Who are you talking to?"

Clem is some how gone now. Spike turns back and sees the donkey again. Clem is beaming with glee.

"I was talking to you. You sure showed them guards who's boss. They ran like the cowards they were."

"Well that's fine." He's getting disinterested with the donkey.

"I'm free at last." Clem smiles.

Spike sighs heavily.

"Go have a party or something with your mates then hmmm…?"

"I don't have any friends at all none. I'm not going back there on my own. Can I come with you? You take no shit from no one. We'll kick anybody's ass that crosses us!"

Spike can't take anymore with this. He sighs and tries to scare the donkey away by vamping out and growls at him. Clem is kinda terrified. But collects himself. Clem laughs nervously.

"Boy was that really scary. Your breath smells like roadkill. You need a breath mint!"

Spike grabs his muzzle to keep Clem from talking. He still talks anyway.

"One time I ate rotten berries. I had really bad gas coming out my ass that day."

Spike tries to walk away from Clem. He spins around to face him.

"Why are you still following me?!"

"I'm going to sing to you why."

To his horror the donkey starts singing.

"Cause I'm alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-"

Spike cuts him off.

"NO MORE SINGING!"

Clem looks at Spike considering his words.

"A true friend can only be cruelly honest."

"Ok listen mate, what do you think I look like?"

Clem takes a good look at him. Spike was dressed in a black jacket, black shirt and black pants.

"Ahhh, a goth?"

"A goth really? I'm a vampire. I drink blood. Grab your crosses and stakes. So that doesn't bother you one bit?"

"No not really."

Spike was taken by surprise. Usually people run away from him or try to kill him.

"Ok?"

"Yep I'm fine with that."

He is really taken back by this coming from a talking donkey.

"Oh….?"

"My name is Clem. What's your name? Your pretty awesome."

"Mine's Spike." He goes back on his way.

"Spike. Weird name." Clem shakes it off.

"What I like about you, Spike? You don't care what anyone thinks of me thing going on. I think that's pretty cool. You're alright in my book."

They come up to a hill which slops down to a large field. Beyond the field is Spike's House. As Spike and Clem walks down the hill towards the swamp. Clem sees KEEP OUT, STAY AWAY and DANGER signs. They reached Spike's home. Clem talks about the signs he saw.

"I guess, you don't get a lot of people coming over."

Spike turns his head to him.

"You think. I like my privacy very much."

They arrive at Spike's home.

"Look at the place. Who wants to live here?"

"I live here."

Spike walks to his house. Clem looks at the place one more time and follows him.

"Oh a great looking home you got there. You did quick well with a modest budget!" Clem sees a boulder laying on the grass.

"That's a very good looking boulder."

Spike gives him a hard look. They walk towards the house. Clem spots the BEWARE VAMPIRE signs.

"You most really love your privacy."

"I don't want people in my swamp."

They reach Spike's door. Clem gets nervous.

"I like my privacy too. Another thing we have in common. When someone gets into your face. I hate that. You give' em a hint and they won't leave. Then comes a big awkward silence…"

Spike gives Clem a glare. There's a long awkward silence between them. He gets really worried and hopes that Spike will let him stay.

"I got no place to stay. So can I stay with you?"

Spike smiles turns acting overly genuine. Being friendly.

"Yes of course."

"That's great. I can really stay with you?"

"That's a no mate." Says Spike with a grin.

Clem pleases with him.

"PLEEEEEZE! I can't go back there. You don't know what's it like being a freak! Maybe you do. We freaks need to stay together! Please let me stay!" Clem climbs up right into Spike's face with his hooves.

Took him by surprise.

"You can stay only one night."

"Thanks you're the best."

Spike opens the door, Clem charges right into the house. He shakes his head. Clem gets on the lounge chair.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"We're gonna have fun. Playing board games and telling scary stories by the fire. In the morning I'll make waffles." Clem makes himself comfortable on the lounge chair.

"Ugh!"

"Where do I sleep?" He asks Spike, hoping he doesn't have to sleep outside.

Spike gets really mad at Clem. He points to outside.

"You can go sleep outside!"

Hurt, he goes outside with a sigh.

"Well right outside I go. After all I'm a donkey. I was raised outdoors."

Spike closes the door in Clem's face. He looks at the door for a moment or so. Shakes it off and goes to start a fire in the fire place. Clem talks to himself.

"I love the outdoors. Just hanging out with myself." He starts to sing to himself.

"I'm alone…. There's no one here beside me…"

Spike pours himself of blood from a glass bottle into a cup. Clem looks though the window from outside. He looks away sadly then lays done on the door step. Elsewhere in the swamp, wagons drop off the round up fairy tale creatures. The wagons were being unloaded by the guards. Cages were being opened to let out the bears and other animals like unicorns out from the cages. Fairies also are let of their own cages. A guard hands out camping gear to everyone.

"This swamp will be your new home for now on." The guard tells them.

"Way a swamp and not the woods?" Says Caleb not happy to be living in a swamp at all.

"Lord Warren's orders no freaks are aloud to live in the woods. Also remember if we catch you entering the kingdom, you will be executed. The guard warns them.

The guards get back on the wagons leaving the fairy tale creatures there at the swamp. While they set up tents and make them selves at home. This goes unnoticed by Spike and Clem. Later on at night Spike was drinking blood from his cup while relaxing reading a book at the dinner table. He hears the door open. Clem was laying down on the door step still.


	3. Chapter 3

Spike calls from inside the house.

"I told you don't to come inside."

Clem calls from behind the door outside.

"I'm still outside."

Spike hears something. A shadow pasts by. He spins to see three blind mice knocking things over on the dinner table. One of the blind mice bumps a jar of blood that he uses a BQQ sauce. Spike catches the jar just in time. He grabs one of the mice. But it ends up on his shoulder. The mouse bits his ear.

"That's awful cheese. Taste like dead things." The mouse gets off his shoulder.

The 2nd mouse trips over Spike's book. The 3rd mouse was hopping up and down a pillow he was repairing.

"What a lovely bed."

"Bloody mice!" Spike grabs the mice by the tails.

But drops them on the floor as something was put on the dinner table hits his back. He turns to see Cordelia inside a glass coffin being shoved by the seven dwarves onto the table.

"Hey get the coffin off the table and bury it!"

The dwarves looks up at Spike. He pushes the glass coffin towards them.

"We can't bury her! She's alive but asleep. And the bed is taken!"

"What?" Spike is confused by this.

He rushes towards the bedroom and opens the door. Oz in his werewolf form dressed in a nighttie in Spike's bedroom.

"Can't a guy get any sleep around here?"

He picks up the werewolf off the bed and throws him outside of the house.

"I live alone in a swamp! Signs are up for a reason to keep people out! I'm a blood sucking vampire!" Spike yells out.

"What does a guy have to do to get some PRIVACY!" Just as he throws Oz out his house, he sees many creatures around the swamp.

Spike wasn't very happy to have so many unwanted guests in his swamp.

"Bloody hell no!"

Fairy tale creatures are camping in refuge tents which are set up all over the swamp. Jonathan plays his pied pipe as rats came to join him by his camp. There was the old lady who lived in a shoe with her children. Two bears by a camp fire, the baby bear is crying since his mom is dead. Spike is shocked gets over whelmed. He was about to yell at the crowd.

"AHHH!" Spike takes cover as he hits the dirt.

As witches that still have their brooms land on the ground. Spike rises ticked off. He struggles getting frustrated.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING IN MY SWAMP!" He tries to round them up but they run away scared of him.

There are to many of them which becomes a lost cause. He glares at Clem.

"Everyone of you get out of here! Move along now!"

Some of the fairy tale creatures go inside his house.

"No not in my house!"

"Hey don't be looking at me! I didn't invite them here."

Caleb was shoved from behind as a unwanted volunteer.

"No on invited us to come here."

Spike looks at him with a puzzled look.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Caleb was little frightened by Spike.

"We were rounded up in wagons by force to be taken here."

"Who is behind this?"

One of the three pigs tells him.

"Lord Warren! Had us be sold and taken away."

His brothers nod their heads in agreement.

"So then. Does anyone know where this Warren wanker is?"

None of the creatures know where Lord Warren is but Clem. Clem hoops up and down with glee.

"I Where he is!"

"Anyone else know where to find him? Bloody anybody?"

Everyone pointing each other or different directions. Clem still continues to leap up to Spike's eye sight.

"Me! Me! I can find him! Please choose me."

Spike sighs and says "Alright." He yells at them.

"Listen up… Pay attention."

The creatures falls uneasily Silent.

"Don't make yourselves to much at home here. You lot have already over stayed your welcome. I'm going to visit this git Warren. And get every last one of you off my land and back to your homes!"

They all cheer him on as their hero. Birds drab the ticked off vampire in garlands. Spike rolls his eyes. He growls very utterly frustrated now.

"Ugh! You, Clem!" He points to the donkey.

"You're with me."

Clem is very happy to be included. His feet stamps with glee and delight.

"Spike and Clem, two best buds going on an most excellent adventure. I love it man!" Clem catches up with Spike as he leaves in search for Warren.

Clem dances along side as they left the swamp. Clem starts singing.

"One the road again… Sing it with me, Spike. I can't wait to get on the road again…"

"The bloody hell did I say about singing?"

"Can I at least whistle?"

"No whistling."

"How about humming?"

"Fine. Humming is ok."

Clem hums as they head off into the woods to begin their adventure. In the tallest tower in the Dragon's Keep, Xander reads many fairy tale books to past the time. As well other kinds of books.

"This sucks. I can only read the same books over and over till I get bored."

He has long hair braided into a long ponytail, wearing a green dress and green shoes. Also has on lipstick and make up. He's been here twenty years since he was seven.

"I know I'll be rescued even if it's not today." He sighs himself.

If anyone was to see him now would think he looks like a girl. Skipping through pages of a fairy tale book, Xander teared a page.

"Oops my bad!" Since He was beyond feud up be waiting to be rescued.

He teared out pages out of many fairy tale books. And ripping the books in half! Leaving a mess in the room. Xander sits down on the bed wondering where his happy ending is… At Warren's Sunnydale castle in the torture chamber, milk is poured into a glass by a torturer. Lord Warren walks through halls of Sunnydale castle. Warren enters the torture chamber.

"No! Ahhhhh!" Screams the Gingerbread Man as he is dunk into the glass of milk.

"The cookie had enough. He is ready to speak."

After being tortured the Gingerbread Man gets thrown onto a cooking tray. Gingerbread Man coughs and hacks out milk. Warren walks up towards the executioner. He is only 4 ½ feet tall. He reaches the table in the center of the room. The table is a above his hat. Warren laughs menacingly wicked.

"He he heh heh heh…" He clears his throat.

The table gets lowered mechanically to his height.

"You can run all you want Gingerbread Man but not anymore!"

"You're a dick!"

"I had it with you fairy tale freaks messing up my world of perfection. Now where are the other hiding?"

"I'll never tell you! Ptfoop." He spits milk right into Warren's face.

Warren wipes the spit off his face. He talks through his clenched teeth.

"I've tried to be reasonable with you freaks, my patience is at its low point. Tell me now or I'll…" Warren learns over to reach one of Gingerbread Man's buttons.

"Please not my gumdrop buttons!"

Alright tell me who is hiding the others?"

Gingerbread Man beaten and broken.

"I'll tell you who's hiding them. Do you know the Muffin Man?"

"Yes, I know the Muffin Man. What about him?"

"The Muffin Man might know where the others are."

"The Muffin Man better know for your sake."

"I'm sorry Muffin Man." Says The Gingerbread Man sadly.

"I'll send some men to get the Muffin Man and question him."

A guard bursts through the dungeon doors.

"My lord. We found the magic mirror."

Warren is very eager to see the magic mirror.

"What are you waiting for? Bring in the magic mirror!"

The guards hang up the mirror on a chain. Whoosh! The mirror is uncovered. The mirror was full sized with a terrified face appears on the mirror. The guards and the torturer named Reilly are awestruck of the magic mirror.

"Ahhh…" Said both Reilly and the guards.

The Gingerbread Man was also awestruck.

"Ohhh."

"Hello Magic Mirror."

"TELL HIM NOTHING!"


	4. Chapter 4

Warren throws the Gingerbread Man into the metal flip top trash can.

"No! Ahh! Ah!" Screams the Gingerbread Man from inside the trash can.

Warren turns to face the magic mirror ominously smiles wickedly. He brightly greets the mirror.

"Good evening Mirror!" He walks towards the mirror.

"Magic Mirror on the wall, isn't this the most perfect kingdom there ever was?"

"You're not a king."

"Reilly break a mirror…"

Reilly holds a small hand mirror up and crushes it. The mirror won't make the same mistake again.

"Your going to say…"

Mirror scrambles trying to recover himself.

"What I was going to say was your not a king yet… You can become one by marrying a princess."

Warren glares evilly, Reilly leans in menacingly like.

"Continue."

The mirror becomes a game show host.

"Lay back and relax my lord, your going to meet today's eligible bachelorettes, and here they are!" The face in the mirror moves away as to reveal three shadowy portraits of Harmony, Cordelia and Princess Xander.

The first portrait is Harmony.

"Here's bachelorette number one is mentally abused shut in from Los Angelus a far far away kingdom. She likes to eat sushi and go hot tubing! Her hobbies are cooking and cleaning for her evil family! Here is Harmony!"

Lights hits to revel Harmony. The 2nd portrait is Cordelia.

"Next is bachelorette number two is a girl that likes wearing a cape from the land rich and fancy. She lives with seven different men, she's not easy to deal with! Kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what kind of live wire she really is. Give it here for Cordelia!"

Lights pops on to reveal Cordelia. Last portrait is Xander.

"And here is last but certainly not least bachelorette number three, she's a feisty brown haired girl from a castle guarded by a dragon, surround by boiling hot lava! That won't cool you off. She's like a loaded pistol, that happens to like drinking piñata coladas and being caught in the rain. All yours for the rescuing from a dragon. Princess Xander!"

Lights pops on to reveal Princess Xander.

"Which will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?"

The guards are shouting out numbers.

"Hmmm… Should I pick 1, 2, or 3, um…"

"My lord pick 3." Says Reilly holding up two fingers.

"No not 1 or 2 um…I choose uuuhhhh…number three!"

"Lord Warren, you've chosen...Princess Xander!"

A wild applause from Reilly and the guards. Warren is ecstatic with glee. He is quote captivated by Xander. He's dreamy in thought.

"Princess Xander. She's perfectly lovely in every way." He begins to think of a plan.

"Alright I'll have someone go to…"

The mirror interrupts him.

"I should mention there's this little thing that happens at night…"

Warren thinking to himself.

"I'll send some poor fool do it."

"That's fine and all but must be after sunset…"

"Enough! Princess Xander will be my queen and Sunnydale will finally have me as king!" Warren snaps his fingers to the captain.

"Captain Tucker gather your finest men, we're going to throw ourselves a tournament!"

Spike and Clem left the cornfield by the gates of Sunnydale. They look up at Warren's tower, in the center of the city, looming over them.

"This is the place. That's Sunnydale. I did tell you, I'd find the place."

Spike looks at Sunnydale castle in distaste.

"So this Lord Warren's castle?"

"Yep it sure is."

"Do you think he might be compensating for something?" Spike Laughs to himself and looks at Clem to see if he got the joke.

Clem still looking at the tower, tilting his head from side to side trying to make sense of Spike's joke. Spike walks towards the gate.

"Hey wait for me, Spike!" He goes after him.

As Spike pass through the parking lot has parked carts. Clem passes the parking lot signs and catches up with him. Out of breath. They reach the entrance, there's a velvet rope crowd control maze and sees a man in a Lord Warren mascot suit.

"Oi… YOU!"

The mascot screams in terror of Spike.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" The mascot runs away through the rope maze.

Spike gets irritated with this mascot.

"Wait a bloody second. I'm don't gonna drink ya blood! I just wanted to ask you…" he lets out a exasperated sigh.

As the mascot runs into a wall and is knocked out. Clem trots right into the maze. Spike was in bemusement then leaps right over the rope maze. At the far end is a turnstile; Clem follows Spike though it but gets stuck. Afterward they stop and look around the place it was like a ghost town. Music plays from the medieval speakers. There's a gift shop with a display window of Warren figurine souvenirs. Spike looks around for anyone. There wasn't a single person in sight.

"It's way too quite. Where did everyone go?"

"There's something over there." Clem spots a information both with a large handle on the side that says PULL.

"Come, look at this over here." Clem runs over and pulls the handle.

The device starts to click…then clicks into gear. The doors open up to reveal rows of little wooden dolls that begin to sing.

"Welcome to Sunnydale such a perfect town. Here we have some rules let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line. And we'll get along fine. Sunnydale is a perfect place. Please keep off the grass. Shine your shoes, wipe your…face. Sunnydale is, Sunnydale is, a perfect place."

After the sing was over the doors closed shut with a SLAM! A flash goes off as a hidden camera takes Spike and Clem's picture. A photo pops from the information both. Their a little stunned.

"Awesome. Lets do it one more time!"

"Bloody no! No once is enough…"

Both of them hear trumpets and cheers. They turn around to see a stadium were the sounds are coming from. Spike and Clem walks towards the light at the end of the tunnel. While Warren's proclamations to the large crowd.

"Brave Knights! All of you are the best and brightest of all the land and today one of you shall prove yourself better than the rest."

Clem loudly hums the Welcome to Sunnydale tune. He's humming the tune to loud.

"Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm…"

"Your bloody becoming a smart ass."

Clem stops humming the tune.

"Sorry won't happen again."

The crowd cheers. As Spike and Clem turn and continue though the tunnel. They emerge from the exit into the light, the stadium stretches before them. Lord Warren stands at the high podium, basking the crowd to applause. Spike looks around is amazed seeing the large crowd of people applauding. There's cue cards are held up to the crowd. The cards reads: CHEERS and APPLAUSE. Between Spike and Warren stands a group of knights.

"That champion shall have the honor, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Xander from the Dragon's Keep. If for any reason the victor isn't able to rescue the princess. The next runner will be up for the task and take his place. So on and so forth, some of you may don't not come back alive. That's the sacrifice I am more than willing to make after all. Let the tournament begin!"

Spike marches towards Warren. The rows of knights parts away in shock. Spike stands in defiance. Clem right next to him. He imitates the stance as the best he can. The crowd gasped at the sight of the vampire. Warren sees Spike and starts to get horrified.


	5. Chapter 5

"What is that thing? Ugh it's hideous looking!"

Spike looks quote annoyed but quickly recovers. He is admonished by this.

"That's not bloody nice thing to say!" He indicates to Clem.

"Its just a little donkey."

Warren appears to consider for a moment.

"Fine indeed." Warren orders the knights.

"Knights here's the new plan. Who ever kills the vampire will be champion! Slay him!"

Every knight turns towards Spike. Spike's eyes widen. He backs away from the knights as they draw out their weapons.

"Hey hang on for a moment there." He backs up into a serving table in front of several huge kegs of ale.

He looks over at the kegs and the table, then takes a glass of beer.

"Can we just settle this over a nice ole drink?"

The knights continue to advance on him with their weapons at the ready. Spike being sarcastic.

"I take that as a no?! Fine bring IT on!"

Knights cry out battle cries coming toward. Spike takes a drink a of beer, then hits the spigots of the kegs with his glass. Ale bursts out from the kegs knocking over the knights and soaking the dirt. Turning into mud. The knights slip and slide, legs going out right from under them. Their unable to get any footing. Spike grins and skates right though the mud filed. Knights fall on down. The tournament grounds become a WWF match. As the match goes on the crowd starts to root for Spike. He uses wrestling moves on the knights. Clem joins in.

"Tag me in Spike!"

Spike tags in Clem while he holds onto a Knight. Clem head buts the knight. The crowd erupts into cheers. An old lady yells out "Give him the chair!" He hits a down knight with a chair. Spike takes out every last one of them, the crowd goes wild. Both Spike and Clem flex for the crowd as Warren watches on tick off.

"Thanks I'll be here till Friday."

"Should I give the order, my lord?"

"No. I got a better idea." Warren announces to the crowd.

"People of Sunnydale! I give you our tournament champion!"

The people all cheer louder for Spike. He's not to sure what to make of this at all.

"Well done, vampire! You've won the great honor of going on a noble quest!"

Spike in disbelief hearing this.

"A bloody quest? I'm on my own quest to get back my swamp."

"Your swamp you say?"

"Yes, my swamp where you unloaded these fairy tale wankers."

Warren thinks to himself.

"Indeed." He offers Spike a deal.

"I'll make you a deal vampire. Take one this quest for me and you'll have your swamp back."

"Bloody way it was before?"

"Yes it well be the It was to the last slime covered toadstool."

"And the free loading gits?"

"Their good as gone."

Spike considers this deal for a moment. Weighing up options.

"What is this quest?"

Spike and Clem walk through the sun flower field.

"Okay, let me get this straight. You're going to fight a dragon and rescue a princess. So Warren would give you back your swamp, which you not have cuz' he filled with a lot of fairy tale creatures in the first place. Is that about right?"

"Maybe there's a good reason that donkeys shouldn't talk at all."

They walk on though another field. Spike drinks a bottle of blood.

"Why didn't you just pull some of that vampire stuff on Warren? You know rip open his neck, turn into a bunch bats and attack his fortress. You know, the whole vampire thing."

Spike being a little sarcastic.

"Maybe I could've feed on the villagers and bleed them dry. Toss the bodies into a fire also impale heads onto pikes. Does that sound good at all?"

"Ahh…not really."

"For your information, there's a lot more to vampires than people think."

"Like what?"

Spike searches for something as an example he notices the half empty blood bottle still in his hand.

"For example ok…vampires like to drink blood."

Clem sniffs the bottle.

"That's blood?"

"Yes!"

"Oh! So your going to drink my blood are you?"

"No! I drink mostly drink human blood."

"Oh, vampires like to drink blood." Clem sniffs the bottle again.

"You know, not everybody likes to drink blood. Everybody loves to eat cakes!"

"I don't care what people like! Vampires don't eat cakes."

"You what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Ever met a person and say Hey, let's go get some parfaits. They say Hell no, I don't eat parfaits. Parfaits are pretty good."

"No, you bloody git of burden! Vampires don't eat cakes or parfaits! End of story, good bye." He walks off leaving Clem momentarily speechless but only momentarily..

"Parfaits maybe the most delicious food ever on the damn planet."

"I think you should go back to humming."

"Got a tissue? Cause I'm making a mess just thinking about parfaits me start slobbering."

Spike and Clem travel across the Sunnydale countryside towards the Dragon's Keep. They move across a burnt landscape marked by charred trees. Clem sniffs the air.

"Whew! Spike! Did you break wind? You gotta warn someone before you cut the cheese! My mouth was open."

"Vampires don't fart Clem. If the undead did fart it would bloody might kill you." Spike stops to sniff the air.

"It most be brimstone, we most be very close."

"Yeah so…brimstone. That didn't come from brimstone. I know what I smell and that wasn't brimstone…."

A huge devil's peak rises above them. Dark clouds cover the sky. Spike's hand comes up over the edge of the ridge. Spike and Clem pull themselves up and sees the Dragon's Keep. The ruined castle stands before them. The castle was burned and blackened, perched on a rock over a lake of boiling molten lava.

"The castle seen better, not much a location…heh, heh, heh…heh, heh…" Spike chuckles to himself and continues on towards the bridge.

Clem stares fearfully at the chasm then gingerly trots after him.

"Uh Spike, I don't think I can cross the bridge. Can we go home?"

"Oh no."

"Well…I have a bit of a confession to make, um donkeys don't walk on bridges very well. We wear our fear right on our sleeves." Clem comes upon a horse skull impaled on a bridge support at eye level.

"Donkeys don't wear clothes."

Clem comes level with Spike at the foot of the bridge.

"You know what I mean."

"Oh! Your afraid of heights."

Clem looks over the edge.

"No…I'm uncomfortable about being on a old bridge over a lake of lava!"

Spike faux supports Clem.

"Come on Clem, I'm right here beside you for emotional support. We'll do this thing together alright."

"Really?"

"Yes really."

Clem hesitates for a moment.

"Well, That makes me feel a little better." Clem steps gingerly onto the bridge.

Spike follows right after. Clem picks his way among the flimsy slabs.


	6. Chapter 6

"Whatever you don't look down. Keep moving."

"Don't look down." Clem steps on a slat that gives way and drops into the boiling moat.

He can't help but see through the opening.

"Spike? I'm looking down! He spins around in place on the bridge.

"Arggghhhh! God! I want to go back. Just let me off this bridge right now!"

Spike starts to get irritated.

"You're have way on the other side."

"Yeah, that half is a lot more safer."

"Bloody fine! I don't have time for this right now. You go back then." Spike tries to get past Clem but the bridge is too narrow to get by.

As they they struggle to pass each other the bridge starts to shake and sway. Clem miscellaneous struggles.

"Spike! No stop."

"Clem…come on get a move on."

Clem jumps back over the missing board.

"Ahh! Don't shake the bridge." Clem jumps back away from Spike, in the direction he wants him to go.

He sees an opportunity.

"Oh, I'm sorry for doing this." Spike starts to swing the bridge again.

"Your not sorry!"

"Yes? I'm not sorry? Okay!" Spike shakes the bridge violently, casing Clem to back further across in terror.

He propels the very hysterical Clem step by step.

"NO! Spike! SPIKE! No more!"

Spike ignores Clem's pleas.

"We're almost on other side of the bridge. I'll keep shaking the bridge!"

"Oh god, I'm gonna die Spike, I don't wanna die." Clem screams, eyes closed, he continues to up unaware he's reached the other side of the bridge.

His eyes open and he looks down at solid ground.

"Oh!"

Spike gently pats Clem on the cheek.

"That'll do Clem."

"Awesome!" Clem looks back over the bridge, then gratefully at Spike.

They both walk towards the enormous castle doors. Clem has new found confidence.

"Where is this fire breathing pain in the ass is?"

"That would be inside the Dragon's Keep waiting for us to rescue her."

"I mean the dragon, Spike."

Spike and Clem move through the spooky keep looking for the dragon and princess. Spike's wary. Clem's very nervous. Clem whispers; nervously.

"Are you afraid?"

Spike is not whispering.

"Bloody no… SHHHHHHHHHH!" Spike walks away, Clem suddenly notices he's gone and runs to catch up.

"Oh good some here. Agh!" Clem catches up then hears something.

"There's nothing wrong being afraid. You know, fear keeps you safe and out of danger. I might add being in unfamiliar situation dealing with a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights. It doesn't mean you're a coward." Clem falls suddenly into a pile of bones and armor of a knight.

"Ahhh!" A helmet falls right into Clem's head.

Spike takes off the helmet and puts it on.

"Clem four things. Shut the bloody hell up." Spike points to s direction.

"Now go find some stairs."

"Why stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess not some stairs!"

"Up the stairs is where the highest room has the princess in the tallest tower."

"What make you think she'll up there?"

"It was in a book I read once." Spike walks away to look for the dragon.

"Great you take on the dragon, I'll find the stairs."

Spike moves away, down a corridor. Clem watches him go, then heads the other way. Clem talks to himself.

"Oh, I'll find them stairs. I'll kick their ass, too. That's right. Those stairs won't know what hit them."

Spike at other end of the corridor. Through a window, he can see a slender tower wrapped in a staircase and connected to the Keep by a bridge. Spike's talks to himself.

"That's where the princess is. But where's the bloody dragon?"

Clem finds himself eye ball by eye ball of the dragon. He runs away from the dragon's eye.

"Ahhhhhhhh dragon!" Clem dodges the dragon's tail.

"Whaaaaaa."

Spike turns to see Clem headed for him at a gallop, a fireball right behind him. He races past Spike. Spike follows after him.

"Clem out the way!"

"Whoooooaa! Ahhh!"

Spike grabs Clem and jumps out of the fire balls way, saving him. They run into the tall tower. They out again, Clem leading the way, another fire ball rocket past. He runs onto the bridge, then flattens himself. The fire ball passes over him, singeing the tuft of his tail. The dragon roars and it takes off after him. Spike leaps from the tower, landing on the dragon's huge tail.

"I gotcha dragon wanker. Whoaaaa! Whoaaa! Whoaaa!"

The dragon whips its tail, sending Spike hurtling right through the wall of the tower. He crashes through the stone wall and lands outside a bed chamber, semiconscious. The dragon uses its tail to smash through the bridge like a wrecking ball, cutting off Clem's escape.

"Whoaaaaa!" Clem turns, but the tail cut through the bridge again.


End file.
